26th March, 2002.

Memo to Cow-orker:

When I assign a task to you with the words "I don't know where we get this from or what it is, can you look into it for me?", a normal person would realise the futility of asking me these very things;

I don't need to know (nor am I interested in knowing) about the number of people you saw almost get run down on the way into work. I'm similarly disinterested in hearing your loud cries of moral indignation on this matter;

Contrary to your expectations, no, I'm *not* surprised that there are people who can talk with such ferocity that they become oblivious to their surroundings;

Yes, the air-conditioning is stuffy in here today. No, I don't need you to tell give me a room-by-room analysis of how stuffy it is relative to everyone else's air-conditioning. No, really. I mean it. Don't make me put this letter opener somewhere I'm not going to be able to get it back from in a hurry if I need it;

When I sit in front of the computer tapping my fingers on the keyboard to make letters appear on the screen? That's called "being occupied". I know it might sound like a looped Morse code message saying "come and tell me about everything you've done in the last 24 hours", but it isn't. You'd be surprised how many people make that mistake;

I may look as though I'm uninterested in what you have to say and am letting my mind wander on to happier things, but that's only because I find it hard to maintain my expression of polite interest while slipping into unconsciousness. By no means should you take this as a hint to stop your relentless assault on my senses.

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"This order is ambiguous. Which of these two contradictory quantities should I supply them with?"

"Have you rung them to clarify what they want?"

"Sigh! It's never easy, is it?"

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"Does this product need an activation code?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because they didn't build it to need one."

"Why?" 

No idea. Would you like me to call that nice Mr Gates and ask him personally for you?

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