26th March, 2002.
Memo to Cow-orker:
When I assign a task
to you with the words "I don't know where we get this from or what it is,
can you look into it for me?", a normal person would realise the futility
of asking me these very things;
I don't need to know
(nor am I interested in knowing) about the number of people you saw almost
get run down on the way into work. I'm similarly disinterested in hearing
your loud cries of moral indignation on this matter;
Contrary to your expectations,
no, I'm *not* surprised that there are people who can talk with such ferocity
that they become oblivious to their surroundings;
Yes, the air-conditioning
is stuffy in here today. No, I don't need you to tell give me
a room-by-room analysis of how stuffy it is relative to everyone else's air-conditioning.
No, really. I mean it. Don't make me put this letter opener somewhere I'm
not going to be able to get it back from in a hurry if I need it;
When I sit in front of
the computer tapping my fingers on the keyboard to make letters appear on
the screen? That's called "being occupied". I know it might sound like
a looped Morse code message saying "come and tell me about everything you've
done in the last 24 hours", but it isn't. You'd be surprised how many people
make that mistake;
I may look as though
I'm uninterested in what you have to say and am letting my mind wander on
to happier things, but that's only because I find it hard to maintain my expression
of polite interest while slipping into unconsciousness. By no means should
you take this as a hint to stop your relentless assault on my senses.
"This order is ambiguous.
Which of these two contradictory quantities should I supply them with?"
"Have you rung them to
clarify what they want?"
"Sigh! It's never
easy, is it?"
"Does this product need
an activation code?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because they didn't
build it to need one."
"Why?"
No idea. Would you
like me to call that nice Mr Gates and ask him personally for you?
Tuesday, 26 March 2002
Monday, 25 March 2002
25th March, 2002.
"Look at the $2.00 hair band my mother bought me! Isn't it so cool?"
I am but one victim of many...
Of *course* I know that - it was in the email I just sent you that you've come around to my desk to tell me about! Don't try to tell me I sent you the wrong information when the "right" information you're reading back to me is what I sent you in the first place!
"Look at the $2.00 hair band my mother bought me! Isn't it so cool?"
I am but one victim of many...
Of *course* I know that - it was in the email I just sent you that you've come around to my desk to tell me about! Don't try to tell me I sent you the wrong information when the "right" information you're reading back to me is what I sent you in the first place!
Friday, 22 March 2002
Thursday, 21 March 2002
21st March, 2002.
Attention security, we have a proprietary information breach in Sector 12. Suspect is in the process of describing to outside sources how they plan to single-handedly raise our organisation's public image to unprecedented heights.
Enviornmental catastrophe imminent if methane emissions are not curbed immediately. Use of lethal force has been approved.
SECURITY
ALERT
Attention security, we have a proprietary information breach in Sector 12. Suspect is in the process of describing to outside sources how they plan to single-handedly raise our organisation's public image to unprecedented heights.
Enviornmental catastrophe imminent if methane emissions are not curbed immediately. Use of lethal force has been approved.
Wednesday, 20 March 2002
20th March, 2002.
I think the Cow-orker must suffer from Tourette's Syndrome, as I can't think of many other reasons as to why she thinks people need to know what parts of the building she used to use to express breast milk when she came back from maternity leave the last time.
I think I need to declare war on someone so I can claim rights under the Geneva Convention and escape this cruel and unusual punishment.
A secondary Cow-orker, which had seemed to be in remission, just spent ten minutes telling me what was wrong with this country.
Too many Asians taking everyone's jobs, too many mothers in the workforce who should be staying at home minding the kids or (if they have school-age kids) should only be working while the kids are at school, too many greedy wives in the workforce who don't need the money because their husbands already earn enough for their family...
It's been suggested that I try pointing the primary and secondary Cow-orkers at one another in the hope that they cancel each other out, but I'm too afraid we'd get some kind of self-sustaining Cow-orker reaction that would doom us all.
Cow-orker China Syndrome. Scary.
I think the Cow-orker must suffer from Tourette's Syndrome, as I can't think of many other reasons as to why she thinks people need to know what parts of the building she used to use to express breast milk when she came back from maternity leave the last time.
I think I need to declare war on someone so I can claim rights under the Geneva Convention and escape this cruel and unusual punishment.
A secondary Cow-orker, which had seemed to be in remission, just spent ten minutes telling me what was wrong with this country.
Too many Asians taking everyone's jobs, too many mothers in the workforce who should be staying at home minding the kids or (if they have school-age kids) should only be working while the kids are at school, too many greedy wives in the workforce who don't need the money because their husbands already earn enough for their family...
It's been suggested that I try pointing the primary and secondary Cow-orkers at one another in the hope that they cancel each other out, but I'm too afraid we'd get some kind of self-sustaining Cow-orker reaction that would doom us all.
Cow-orker China Syndrome. Scary.
Monday, 18 March 2002
18th March, 2002.
This happened *literally* within two minutes of her getting in this morning.
"I have to order this equipment for someone. I've got quotes from the supplier I really really like [the "you guys kick arse" one] and another supplier that I like, but not as much because they won't spend hours talking to me on the phone. Should I order through the ones I don't like as much, even though they're cheaper?"
"Well, yes." Duh.
"See, I thought I could just rung up the suppliers I really like and ask them to tack this extra equipment on to an order we already have with them."
"No, you know we can't do that. The purchasing policies we have to work with won't let us, and accounts won't pay it."
"But when I rang them to do this -"
Hellooooo!!! Is anyone home? Did someone evacuate Planet Cow-orker when I wasn't looking?
"- they'd already placed our order with their suppliers and they couldn't do it anyway. So what should I do?"
"Put an order in with the cheaper suppliers."
"So should I start getting an order organised for the cheaper ones, then?"
I'm confused. Should I be thumping my head against the desk at this point, or hers?
Ten minutes later.
"Let me tell you all about the phone call my mother had from my godmother this morning about her daughter's upcoming wedding."
A point! A point! My kingdom for a point!
I'm now experiencing a new "personal best" for fastest induced stress headache.
This happened *literally* within two minutes of her getting in this morning.
"I have to order this equipment for someone. I've got quotes from the supplier I really really like [the "you guys kick arse" one] and another supplier that I like, but not as much because they won't spend hours talking to me on the phone. Should I order through the ones I don't like as much, even though they're cheaper?"
"Well, yes." Duh.
"See, I thought I could just rung up the suppliers I really like and ask them to tack this extra equipment on to an order we already have with them."
"No, you know we can't do that. The purchasing policies we have to work with won't let us, and accounts won't pay it."
"But when I rang them to do this -"
Hellooooo!!! Is anyone home? Did someone evacuate Planet Cow-orker when I wasn't looking?
"- they'd already placed our order with their suppliers and they couldn't do it anyway. So what should I do?"
"Put an order in with the cheaper suppliers."
"So should I start getting an order organised for the cheaper ones, then?"
I'm confused. Should I be thumping my head against the desk at this point, or hers?
Ten minutes later.
"Let me tell you all about the phone call my mother had from my godmother this morning about her daughter's upcoming wedding."
A point! A point! My kingdom for a point!
I'm now experiencing a new "personal best" for fastest induced stress headache.
Friday, 15 March 2002
15th March, 2002.
Either I'm suffering a lot of severe memory lapses or the Cow-orker's hearing voices again. I've just been told I pointed out something to her that, until she mentioned it then, I'd been completely oblivious to.
Had the great pleasure of listening to our manager trying to discuss something with the Cow-orker which the latter had some very strong opinions about. The highlight was undoubtably the manager's request the Cow-orker "stop ranting".
No! NO! We give them one CD, not two! How many goddamn times do you have to ask me this question before you'll remember the answer?
Either I'm suffering a lot of severe memory lapses or the Cow-orker's hearing voices again. I've just been told I pointed out something to her that, until she mentioned it then, I'd been completely oblivious to.
Had the great pleasure of listening to our manager trying to discuss something with the Cow-orker which the latter had some very strong opinions about. The highlight was undoubtably the manager's request the Cow-orker "stop ranting".
No! NO! We give them one CD, not two! How many goddamn times do you have to ask me this question before you'll remember the answer?
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